She just betterr then me..

i was in a grave alone. at least no one would see my lifeless face.
when everyone you trust punchs you n the face when is it time to throw it all in and just stop living and hurting and start just breathing. just breathing..
i am sick of the pretty girls. the girls that have it all and are so nice. its like ill never b as good as you. as pretty as you as nice as you, ill always b me and at the moment thats just not enough for anyone. and i am stick of it. i cant fit into a family that doesnt make a puazzal, i cant love somone that doesnt understand that love and i cant trust someone who trusts me. all these crazy mind games are killing me, when everyone u love hurts you so much where do u turn when is it okay to love back when it is okay to say enough. i am not good enough there is better people out there, but i am me, and if that means i am alone forever so b it i no i wont hurt myself......

my white knight

i havent blog in 10 months.
10 months with the most amazing person i have ever meet,
jake farlie.
21 years old
short red hair and my bestfriend
part A.
he was... what wasnt he, he was understanding dangerous loving caring to good to be true. he was a mind fuck. he was the one person you could trust then it changed and turn into the one person you always worried about and need to talk to, all most as if he was a drug. it was all most if i didnt have him close or near that i could breath. he was my everything to loose him would b to loose everything that i loved.
then it changed again. i came home i relised that i can let someone do that to me it wasnt me it wasnt what i believed in it was some apart of me that wasnt the real me. it was weak. i love jake farlie and always will he will be the weakness in my heart for a long time. but looking at the past month and a half i new this was coming but how do you say good bye and stop trying with the one person that you though was for ever. its like you being it by new wave of sadnness that steals your happness, the happness will one day hopfuly come back to me and fill my world again but it will let me breath, i wont let me fall into the hase of love without the world. i hope that one day i can look back at the past 10 months and not feel like i have lost one of the best parts of me. i miss him. i no that a drug like this will take time to heal.


part b
the strong part in my its in here, always has being i am fighter i alwats will be.
my personally isnt going to let this beoome me, if i am going to live in sadness i may as well be good at maing others feel good. PAIN GOES AWAY right but it fucking kills when its here, i no that i love him i know that i miss him i no that i dont deserve him. i no that it wasnt perfect but i also any man that can deal with for over a month needs a metal cause i am head case a complete nut! and he was my man. but i can stand alone and do it with a fashionable style that makes me look happy and beatiful.

part c
loosing my bestfriend
how do i deal with that, i lost the first bestfriend and now she cant even look me in the eye. will this happen again? cause loosing my boyfriend is one thing, but losing my bestfriend again can i deal with that i dont no i cant tell you that i can.


part d am i okay ? no i am not so dont ask. if i am okay its the small part of me that keeps saying pain goes away so just deal with today, then tommowwo but dont dear think about next week.


i could write so much more, but i dont the words to express myself.


i love you jake. i always have . always will.
i miss you